The Sad Little Blog

I haven’t been able to write a lot lately because of time restrictions. That plus the fact I have not really had anything to say. This bothers me on several levels. One being my writing has been flooding the gates for about three months. I have been writing at least a thousand words everyday since April. The other reason it bothers me is because my blog just sits there, waiting, like a neglected child. I can see it’s sad little eyes tearing up, it’s little head bowing in sorrow. “But I thought you loved me.” it says. “We had so many good times together.”

I do love you little blog. But you’ve just gotten too needy. I can’t update you everyday and I didn’t want you to turn into one of those spoiled little brats that whine and complain about everything that is wrong with their lives.

The beauty of blogs is they are like children. They are born a tiny little thing with no personality. Then they evolve and grow. We try to shape and mold them into useful Internet citizens, but sometimes they don’t listen because they have minds of their own. So we have to accept them for what they are, do the best we can and let them know we are still here for them if they should need us.

I wasn’t planning the Obtuse Views to become an update for Rock Star: INXS, but that’s about the most interesting thing going on in my life. Well, there are more interesting things, but I really can’t talk about them without losing every friend I have. I’m seriously thinking about changing my mode of creativity. Maybe I’ll go back to guitar and keyboard, write some songs…who knows. I think I just need a break from writing for a while.

The only thing sadder than updating a blog with "I don't feel like writing today" is one that sits there for weeks not being updated at all.

The White Rabbit Syndrome

Remember the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland? Most people associate it with the Matrix as in leaving one reality and experiencing another. But I always identified with the White Rabbit, who kept pulling a pocket watch out of his waistcoat pocket and muttering… “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!” In the Disney animated version, he even had a theme song, which reverberates in my brain every time I’m rushing to get somewhere…

I’m late, I’m late,
For a very important date.
No time to say “hello…goodbye!”
I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!

Having ADD is like showing up late for a party and everyone has gone home. You always feel like you’ve missed something. You usually have since you always show up late for work, appointments, your grandmother’s 100th birthday party. You’re a social liability since you always catch the end of other people’s conversations and have to ask “What was that?” since you’re busy with the other part of your brain wondering what is on TV tonight, how much money you’ve got in your checking account and did you turn the coffee pot off when you left the house?

I worked in an office where there were about eight cubicle that served three different departments. My cubicle was apparently the one with the best acoustics, because I could hear every conversation that went on in the room. The two co-workers whose cubicles directly joined mine would have conversations on the phone and I could hear every word, unless they whispered, which was seldom. People would visit other people in their cubicle and have conversations that I of course couldn’t help but hear. When I would join in from the other side with a bit of information I thought would be helpful, they would respond as if I had no right to eavesdrop. Hey, if I can hear it comfortably without sneaking up on someone, I don’t consider it eavesdropping. Maybe that’s some deficit in my social upbringing. Maybe it’s part of my disorder that I feel I need to butt in on other people’s conversation.

The upside is you can multitask like nobody’s business. Do you need someone to answer the phone, fill out forms, wait on customers, go make copies, and file paperwork all in the space of an hour? I’m the one you want. But don’t expect me to show up five minutes early everyday, more like 2-5 minutes late. And don’t expect me to sit at my desk all day on the days I’m having trouble focusing. Oh, and if someone’s having and interesting conversation in the cubicle next to me? That’s probably where you’ll find me for the next hour or so. Yet, if you want someone to work two hours overtime to get out that report that has to be on the boss’s desk first thing in the morning, I can stay focused for hours at a time.

But not today, thank you. Today, I spent an hour on the Internet reading articles about ADD before I realized an hour had passed. How ironic is that?

My favorite thing about ADD is being able to bounce around to10 different subjects in the space of a couple hours. Have you ever had a phone conversation where you started out talking about your cousin getting married and ended up talking about whether there really are UFO’s? As you hang up the phone, you wonder how the heck the conversation got turned in that direction. Sometimes you sit there and back track and try to figure out how it happened. Imagine that happening for 12 hours a day, 20 if you’re sleep deprived. That’s what it’s like to have ADD.

My favorite description is by Ellen Degeneres. It went something like this…

Maybe I have ADD. I should go get tested. I’ll have to call the doctor and be put on hold for 20 minutes to make the appointment, then wait a week for the appointment. Then I’ll drive down there, have to look for a parking space, sit in his office for a couple of hours, and then take the test. I don’t have the patience for that, I must have ADD!

Covered in Rain

Have you ever noticed how certain music sometimes fits your life? Certain songs address the same feelings, the same situations, the same events that you are experiencing in your life?

I rediscovered John Mayer today. Damn, he has such insight and wisdom for such a young man. He’s what, 26, 27? He writes songs that makes me think about things I haven’t thought about in years…how I felt as a teenager, starting out, wanting to get away from all things familiar and start fresh. My life, my rules. That’s what I get out of “Why Georgia?”

I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind
Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

How many times have I felt like that?

The song that really made me pay attention to this gifted musician and songwriter was “Your Body is a Wonderland”...“One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue” sang in that breathy, dripping-with-sex tone he has. Well, I still get flustered when I hear it. The man can write about sex. And love. And childhood. And even the frustration everyone feels with just life in general as in “Something’s Missing.”

How come everything I think I need
Always comes with batteries?
What do you think it means?

His lyrics become relevant in my life when I hear them. Especially now.

He has a grasp on reality, a poet’s way of looking at life and is totally grounded, not jaded at all about his life. He writes about wanting a “normal” 9-5 life in “Home Life,” wishing for something more than the superficial life of a musician.

And I will go to my grave
With the life that I gave
Not just some melody line
On a radio wave
It dissipates
And soon evaporates
But home life doesn't change

John Mayer is a little bit jazz, rock, romantic ballad...influenced by Sting, Jimi Hendrix, possibly the Beatles...you can hear them all in his music. And he acts as a catalyst for feelings and images that inspire me to write and plan and dream.

When autumn comes, it doesn't ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart.

Wonder how he feels about older women?

My Obsession

I’ve decided to finally give in to my obsession with messageboards. This morning I set my homepage to Ezboard.com to save time. I mean, if I’m going to log on 20 times a day I might as well save some time.
Which led me to wonder…am I a tad obsessive about this? I did a google search, and then took this survey on BBC.com about obsessions. The first question is “Do you avoid stepping on cracks on the sidewalk?” Oddly enough, I do. I think about it, anyway, and this makes me more aware of them. No, I don’t do the Jack Nicholson dance from “As Good As It Gets” or anything. Here was their answer:

Avoiding cracks in the pavement is common childhood behaviour based on superstition.
A compulsive avoidance of stepping on pavement cracks is also frequently present in adults with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Sufferers might even take detours to avoid crazy paving. It is quite normal for adults to act on irrational superstitions.
However, if you still miss the gaps between slabs it does not mean you have OCD. It is quite normal for adults to act on irrational superstitions.

And no, I don’t think about breaking my mother’s back when I do it.
Do you often buy things you don't need, because it helps you relieve anxiety?
Define “need.” Are they talking about that DVD that plagues me every time I walk into Walmart that I have to go to the back just to look at it? The one I’ve been avoiding because I really didn’t have the money and I wanted to prove that I didn’t have to buy every DVD I wanted and when they send it back because it didn’t sell I go on Amazon.com and pay $2 more for it?
No, apparently not.

Some people suffer from a condition known as compulsive shopping. Compulsive shoppers buy in such quantities and so frequently that their habit interferes with their relationships, job or finances.

Okay, I’m safe there…unless you count my VHS collection under the bed.
Do you ever feel compelled to check that you locked all your windows after you have left your house?

No, but my mother has to check everything in the house three times before she goes to bed. She’s not compulsive about the windows, just the doors, the water faucets, the stove, the coffee maker and the doors to her car. Yes, I’m pretty sure she has borderline OCD, and they say it’s hereditary. I just drive down the street, get about two blocks, then have to come back and check the door. I guess I have OCD with ADD.

Most of us have gone back to check whether we closed the windows or locked the front door after leaving the house. This is because we have normal security concerns about being burgled. But obsessive-compulsives might check the windows fifty to a hundred times.
These normal thoughts and actions become obsessive-compulsive behaviour when they stop people from leading normal lives. Obsessive-compulsives might spend over an hour checking things because of niggling doubts in their mind. Because of this, they might find it impossible ever to turn up to an appointment on time.

I answered yes for 6 questions. But I was thinking about my mother when I answered three of them.

Many people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and obsessive-compulsive (OC) spectrum disorders also have these compulsions, but theirs can completely disrupt their daily lives.
Although people might find it hard to understand people who suffer from these disorders, they simply have extreme forms of compulsions that many supposedly normal people show.
Almost everyone has some form of compulsion that they find difficult to control. These are all personal characteristics that go to make up the individuals we all are.

Apparently the BBC is not that obsessive about questionnaires – they ended on question 11.
I think I’ll go check my inbox again.

Rules for Blogging

My three main rules for blogging:

1. Don’t update first thing in the morning. I’m half asleep and have trouble with coherent or cohesive thought. Like this one. It’s 9:35 am in case you’re wondering.
2. Don’t update unless you have something to say. I will not start a blog with… “I got up this morning and did so-and-so and then the cat threw up…” unless it is relevant to some great universal awakening.
3. Don’t apologize to your readers for not updating. (See rule #2)


I also have personal rules about not bashing celebrities (unless they ask for it, like Tom Cruise.) No cute stories about my kitties, what I bought on my last shopping trip to Walmart (unless it’s really noteworthy) or my current state of health.
I will not provide links to blogs or message boards that I consider offensive, defamatory or lewd. Why encourage pathetic people who think their opinions are entertaining or influential in some way?

What’s left? Ahh…there’s the challenge. And hopefully makes for an interesting blog.

I’m in the middle of an intense online summer course, so the blogging will be sporadic, major epiphanies and procrastination being the exception.

I’ve updated my “Obtuse Reviews” for the movie “Love Song of Bobby Long.”

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Procrastinate - to drag one's ass in such a pathetic manner as to ensure one's place in life as a loser. ~ Love Song for Bobby Long